Work

So I've realized that I don't take any pride in my work, whatsoever. This is both good and bad.

I've been learning about pride for many years. Lewis called it the complete anti-God state of mind, spiritual cancer (in his chapter entitled "The Great Sin").

The real black, diabolical Pride comes when you look down on others so much that you do not care what they think of you. Of course, it is very right, and often our duty, not to care what people think of us, if we do so for the right reason; namely, because we care so incomparably more what God thinks.

I think perhaps that one of the truly horrible things about pride is that the more you are aware of it, the more conscious you become of its ultimately destructive work, the more likely you are to be prone to it, if only for the fact that you know what they don't. "To whom much is given..."

The Bible certainly doesn't have anything positive to say about pride. Don't take my word for it, to quote the host of Reading Rainbow.

But at the same time I feel I should have some sense of dignified satisfaction at the end of the day. Not that I should walk out with my head higher than some guy selling newspapers on the street - but rather that I should have the same attitude as if I were him, or anyone else.

If a man is called to be a street sweeper, he should sweep streets even as Michelangelo painted, or Beethoven composed music or Shakespeare wrote poetry. He should sweep streets so well that all the hosts of heaven and earth will pause to say, "Here lived a great street sweeper who did his job well." - MLK, Jr.

If I've come in, and worked hard, and have done a good job, I should feel that, right?

I don't feel it. I don't know that I ever have. There've been a few times when I knew I really kicked some ass, but there've been innumerably more times I kicked something else (the wall, the desk, the file cabinet, etc). I just don't have it. I need to find something that gives me that.

And I don't think that's pride, at the end of the day. I think that's fulfillment. That's what I want to hold my head up. Satisfaction. Not arrogance.

Those who imagine they can attain to holiness by any wisdom or strength of their own will find themselves after many labours, and struggles, and weary efforts, only the farther from possessing it, and this in proportion to their certainty that they of themselves have gained it. – John of Avila

(good weekend. fast, but good. i think i spoke to at least saturday at this point, sunday was church, high school group, youth leaders meeting/fellowship, saw Ocean's 12 with J-lo, Kat, and AP, then back to the 'boken for a few or more beers with old SNF crew. MNF is currently in progress and although i am in the running to win my pool this week, i'm being good and staying home and writing.)